May.

May has been a month that I have grown (emotionally and physically - baby, baby, baby!) and that I have learned so much about myself, about my relationships, and just about life.


My husband has been away most of this month completing an internship, and it has left me hours upon hours to reflect on where I have been, how far I have come, and where I want to be in the future. Every day those reflections get jumbled. I trip over myself constantly, bringing up facts from the past, experiences that I do not ever want to have again, and others I look back on with great fondness. It can be quite confusing, this trying to figure out which direction I want my life to go, especially when my decisions and my actions involve others that I love very dearly. 


All of the confusion has brought me anger, jealousy, exhaustion, joy, regret, even hope. Talk about mixed up. That has been me this past month. When it seems that everything is perfect, something interrupts and creates turbulence. I guess that's life. And I guess I need to, in a way, expect that sort of thing. There is no such thing as perfect, but I had something so very close to that. I thought nothing negative would ever affect it. But that isn't life. Life is all about ups and down, hopes and regrets, successes and failures. And above all, the choice to forgive and the choice to forget. I believe this is one of the greatest gifts of life. The chance to look past what someone may have done, and the opportunity to work together toward a brighter future. 


I made that decision. I'm not lying on the ground getting walked all over. He loves me, and he made a mistake. And I vowed to him that I would love him absolutely, for better or for worse. This is worse. But we will make it better. I choose to forgive, and I am going to try with every inch of me to forget, so we can move on and continue this incredible journey that we have started together. Because that's exactly where I want my future to be. Together, with him. 

Inspiration?

It has been such a long time since I have written here. Fascinating how of all the wonderful days I have had, the worst day of my life provides me with inspiration to write again. I suppose I have always been this way. The negative emotions are the easiest for me to express. I think I just need to get rid of them. I need to write these thoughts and feelings, in hopes that they will leave my body. The sadness makes it hard to breathe. I literally feel my lungs constricting. My arms and legs are still shaking, even since yesterday - the worst day I can remember. 


Lost. That's me.  When I try to sort through everything I feel; betrayal, loss, disgust, anger, the bottom line is that I am just completely lost. I placed a smile on my face for Colton when he came home from school yesterday, and the second I dropped him off today, it left me. Like I didn't have enough strength to hold onto it anymore. I'm not sure I have enough strength to do anything. I feel lifeless. The only thing keeping me going is my son, and my unborn child, and I can't believe my life has taken this turn in the midst of creating such a beautiful miracle. 


Of all the people in the world, never could I have imagined him wounding me like this. He taught me how to trust again - that it was okay to be a little vulnerable, that I don't always have to be so tough. He gave me back part of my adolescence that I had lost. I laughed, I stayed up late at night, I took impromptu road trips to see him, and he came to see me. He wasn't afraid of my "extras" (Colton) or of my mangled heart. That never bothered him, he just plowed right through and patched it up. He made me feel like a whole person. He is my hero. And now I'm curled up on the floor, attempting to drain the sorrows from my soul. 


The man (who shall never be named) who crushed me before was so different from him. They are like night and day. One evil, one good. How could this have happened with both of them? What am I not doing right? I am faithful, loyal. I have never been in a situation where anything could possibly happen. It makes me sick to think of myself in someone else's arms, or more. I don't want that. I want him. I always have. I know things are tough right now. He is trying to finish school successfully and be a good father to Colton. I know that he is overwhelmed. We are young, pretty broke, and have another baby on the way. Being young parents is never easy. Because of this, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt always. I try to be understanding and encourage him to go out with his buddies when he can, have fun, enjoy the end of college. I never want him to regret his choices in marrying me, in taking on Colton and I, in creating this new baby. I want him to look back on this part of his life and remember how happy he was, how much fun he had. That is what college is supposed to be. And I want that for him. 


So, my conclusion is that somewhere along the way, I didn't give him what he needed. I wasn't what he wanted. If I had been, he would have had no reason to go out so much and drink large amounts of alcohol and make bad decisions. That is just not him. If he were happy, he wouldn't have felt the need to put himself in that situation. And I know that my first trimester was not the greatest. I was tired all the time, had huge, unexpected mood swings, and wasn't always the kindest person. On top of it, I have gained a little weight and don't really look pregnant, just chubby. So I'm sure that isn't thrilling for a handsome 22 year old guy. And I should have thought about that, I guess. I should have tried harder. But he never tells me what he needs. He isn't a demanding sort of person. If he would have told me that he really needed some physical attention, it's not like I would have said no. If he would have told me he was feeling a little deprived, of course I would have made him happy. It just wasn't what I was thinking about the past couple of months. It wasn't on my radar. And now I wish it would have been. 


I have this struggle within my mind. Part of me feels like there are things I should have done differently to prevent this. That I am responsible for how I am feeling right now. And another part of me is so angry and so hurt, and just so incredibly sad that all I can do is try to wrap my brain around how he could do this to me. To us. To our little family. 


So at this point, I'm not sure where to go. He drove home immediately yesterday after he found out that I knew, and we talked and cried. For the first time, Colton screamed and cried his head off when he left and went back to his training. It was strange. I know that Colton loves him, but they have been at odds for a while now. To see him be so distraught about his dad leaving was overwhelming for me, and interesting that it happened on the same day as everything else between us. 


I don't know what to say to him. I mean, how do I look at the man that I love and know that he let someone else do such intimate things to him? Things that I love doing with him. Things that I consider so special, such a blessing and a gift of marriage. Things that I always believed would just be us. Just him and me. I can't hate him. I don't have it in me. But I can't stop thinking about him giving his body to someone else. I really thought that he cherished me. That he cherished us, and that he respected our marriage, and our intimacy. And I'm just shattered.