Colton is finished with 1st grade. While I'm thrilled for him that it is summer, and I remember so many spectacular summers as a child, my heart is heavy with the fact that he is growing up and will be 7 when summer comes to an end.
He is a sweeter boy than I could have ever hoped for or imagined him to be. When I come to his school, he always hugs me before I leave. Last week his class came to the bank where I work for a tour, and he blew me a kiss as he walked by my desk, and hugged me and was so excited to see me. Mark brought him in on Saturday and he leaned over my desk to give me a kiss. Last night, he woke up at about 2a.m., nudged me to give him a kiss, and then happily went back to bed. And these are just a few things he has done recently.
I am not sure what I did to deserve such a gift from Heaven. My life has been such a rollercoaster; always on the fence about who I was, who I wanted to be, where I belonged, what I should be doing, until God blessed me with Colton. It is almost as if he was the missing piece. Or the glue. Or the bifocals! He put everything together for me, and his presence helped me see more clearly. His presence helped me get back to the real me. Back to a kind, happy person. Focused, determined, on the straight-and-narrow path. God-fearing and God-loving. And he thinks I do so much for him. :)
And now God has blessed Mark and I with another bundle of joy. Another baby boy. I couldn't be happier, and I am very excited for his arrival. I can't help but wonder though, how different this child is going to affect me. Sometimes I fear that I love Colton so much, with every inch of my soul, that it may be difficult to fit any other child in. It has been Colton and I for almost 7 years now. Half of his life, it was just him and me until God lead us to Mark. Will I be able to give myself to this baby as he deserves, just like I have devoted my life to Colton? I have prayed on this so much. And in the end, this is my baby too. They are going to be amazing brothers, and I cannot wait to experience Colton and Gabriel loving each other and playing together. I do not believe God could have trusted me and Mark with another child if we couldn't love him with everything we have. I guess I just have silly anxieties. And with Colton growing up so quickly, things seem a little bittersweet at the moment.
I am sitting here in our big comfy chair listening to the birds chirp, completely not wanting to go to work. I hired in as part time, and now that people have quit and apparently we are on a hiring freeze, I am getting 40 hours a week (no pay increase or benefits) and I work 6 days a week. I do like my job, but it's not what I signed up for. I want to work, be able to pay bills, and still spend time with my family. I can't get this time with them back. Colton will only be little once, the same with Gabriel. I want to work so that my family can have everything they need, and so that we don't have to struggle, but it is hard when I have a little guy at childcare that I feel I should be spending all that time with. Reading, biking, swimming, learning. I want to do all of those things with him this summer... and working almost every Saturday doesn't help. I need to be more grateful that I have a decent job, but I guess it's just hard when you have little children.
Children. I'm going to have children..... amazing, isn't it? Colton is going to be the best big brother....
